WORDS

simple words, made up by alphabets.

aimed to express one's feelings towards another.

however these words, can be so lethal.

it causes pain. physically but more importantly mentally,

which would last for a long time.

am i, really that imperfect?

am i, perfectly imperfect?

i wonder. i wonder.

some of the times i feel like no one.

useless to the world, open to all the attacks of brutal words which me myself choose to listen.

it really hurts, when u try so hard, yet, u dont get anywhere :(

Ignorance

sometimes ignorance is the best.
it makes you think less.
prevents you form making assumptions.
makes you think that there's some good left inside of you.
however ignorance sometimes makes you grow cocky.
makes you think you're the best.
but sometimes, things said to you are so bad and hurtful,
that ignorance can play no part.
the damage has been done.
even though you want to ignore, and try to,
you just can't seem to think about it,
again and again.
ignorance, a double edged sword


p/s: i have a new blog fyi :)

Self centered bastard

he thinks he's the only one in the world that is important.
he thinks he's always right.
he only cares about himself.
he's mostly a bastard at night.
he really isn't worth it.
and she definitely deserves more.
but whatever he does now,
only cause her heart to sore.
he regrets with all his heart,
he really cannot withstand them apart.
he hopes he can turn back time,
but he knows, he's asking for it all this time.

The worst feeling

is when your closest ones ask whether you are okay,
showing that how caring they are towards you,
yet you disappoint them..

That, made me want to go to the showers.. and hide from the truth..

FML

today.. some part inside of me died.. i dont know whether this would be a turning point..
or would it lead to me failing in life..
i'm seriously disappointed.. in myself.. letting everyone else down..
especially my parents, which came down to see me the day before.. and i even have the courage to quarrel with them.. answer them back, when what i can give in return is this..
i really feel like nothing now.. i really hope i could just disappear right now..
and the big problem is.. im really really disappointed in myself.. never once i have felt this way before..
i think im wasting everyone's time..
im really sorry..
to everyone out there who believed in me so much..
to M & D, even though now is the time i need you the most, i know i would just break down in front of you if you were still near me..
to JJ, thanks for the support and without you, i think i'll be doing something stupid now..
to KK, you believe in me so much and loved me since i was a little baby i dont know what i would do if u appeared in front of me.. im so shameful of myself..
to all my friends, i've let you down.. maybe i should have just stayed at where i was..
and to Gwen, i love you alot, but im really feeling like shit now...

i havent been like this ever since i was leaving all my close friends about 3 years ago..
but trust me, it's so much worse now.. :(

it pains to know you're that bad, but when someone who believed in you asked you whether you're okay after such a disappointing event, it really kills me.

calling myself a nobody is an understatement.. :(

Seriously..

Sometimes im really lost..
I did things that you did..
I lost things that you did..
I said things that you did..
But yet it was me who was always..
Always on the wrong side..
Sometime i dont mind..
Cause i try to make up..
For things that I've done in the past..
But sometimes..
Seriously..
I'm just lost..

Life So Far

well.. im doing fine here.. surviving should be the word..
just scrapped through my exams, and even more tests are coming soon..
promos are in 6 weeks time..
asean dance in 2 weeks time..
trainings are still as exhausting and energy sapping..
and life is well... tiring i guess..
i miss the days, earlier in the year, where i could just sit back and relax, surfing the net, doing my own work, chatting, playing
although im stilled hooked onto facebook now and im still connected to the internet everytime i get back to the hostel, however my time spent on the computer is much lesser now..
i dont blog much, i dont update my status much, hell i dont even chat with ppl on WindowsLive..
life with love grows better every second..
however time is a problem as i have alot of commitments.. i feel really sorry sometimes.. :(
i really hope everything turns out fine..
i hope AseanDance would be a success..
i hope i would do well in my Promos:) everyone else too ^^
i hope i would do better in soccer too.. the A Div!!
i hope i would be a better man ( not boy d :)), better son, better friend and of course, a better Boyf. :)

PS: i dont know why but i like Christian songs. they're catchy and nice <3

Tired

im really drained out..
workload is getting heavier by the day.. trainings are not getting easy..
pw datelines are creeping ever closer.. Asean Dance is just 3 weeks away..
and i can go on and on..
i really hope there would be someone who can help me.. help me with all this work..
even if it's a really small help, i would appreciate it alot..
it'll be even better if all the work can be done by that person...
however i know it wont happen..
im left alone to face this... how i wish..
how i wish i could just dissappear this instance.. but that would make me irresponsible, no?
i'll do fine i guess.. i'll just be one dead lifeless body after all this shit..
and thats not all.. there's still promos after this.. omfg.. save me please..

Dying :(

I miss home

yeah.. a sudden wave of nostalgia swept over me...
i dont know why.. and i dont know exactly when.. but i suddenly miss my warm comfy bed..
i miss homecooked food by my lovely aunt..
i miss the pampering and love by my parents..
i miss driving to the gym early in the morning with my mom..
i miss cranking stupid jokes with my dad..
i miss going to Bangi Kopitiam with mom and dad and just talking..
i miss my frieds.. especially the close ones..
i miss playing futsal and having dinner later..
i miss playing badminton and also having dinner later..
i miss getting drunk and everybody stays over at my place..
i miss watching movies on my teevee..
i miss.............


Life is kinda clockwork nowadays..
trainings have become more intense... thrice a week.. mon, wed, fri..
terms was kinda ok.. hope i'll be safe..
btw we( malaysian's ) performed a song during Celebration of Culture last week...
had a duet part with LOVE.. niceeee

and yeah.. SPAIN won... watching it with other borders was kinda nice...

anyway.. i gotta go sleep.. dont know why but im kinda excited for the new week.. yay...

Nights..

Life sucks like

Soccer Camp

well my long weekend of relaxing and going out was dashed by the prospect of having the LEGENDARY soccer camp on saturday till monday..
i just finished my history paper on friday, but was spared from going out and relaxing, and i had to go back to school on saturday for the camp.. staying on till monday.. and tuesday was a school day again.. so basically i live in the school ^^
saturday morning didnt start off well.. brazil lost the day before.. and when we were asked to fall in and check our packing list.. many teammates including myself didnt bring loads of stuff they wanted us too...
therefore, we were asked to throw everything in the middle of the circle which we stood to form, and asked to pack up everything in 30 seconds.. therefore we just chugged everything inside our bags, taking random stuff from teammates and not knowing where our stuff went ( turn out at at i lost a couple of tshirts and underwaer :( )
after that we were asked to change into our pe attire as we did some played some ice breaker games.. all seemed well until at night, where we had the "amazing race".. turns out to be the worst thing of the day, as my group's first station was the eating station, and we had to consume cili padis, wasabi-tabasco-chill sause and some preserved shitty stuff.. i immediately went to the toilet to vomit out the stuff after finished the touch, and chili padi went through my nose ( ouchh!! )
the night went from bad to worse.. we were woken up twice in the middle of the night for an apparent "firedrill".. both times we were punished badly by the seniors, doing pushups and the now infamous "buddha clap"..
slept like only 6 hours for 2 nights..
the next day turned out fine.. had Physical training early in the morning followed by strategy games.. had to plan a dinner and performance for the teachers and seniors, and we were grouped to carry out tasked.. i was in the performace group.. and we planned a funny drama play which everyone laughed their ass of later during the camp..
we played a friendly with the seniors too.. we were doing well when we took the lead 1-0 and 2-1, but in the end lost 4-2.. but it was good experience.. i played an actual "match" for the first time, and as a right back too, which is not my usual position...
we prepared steamboat for the seniors after that.. and was blasted badly for doing so, as the said we didnt put in effort.. i had to admit that the food kinda sucked, and i regret not doing better for the seniors, as they put in alot of effort in making this camp a success..
watched Remember The Titans later, and that show really resemble us in a way.. haha.. just hope that we win the title like them later..
we went to bed with a full stomach of Mc D's cheeseburgers thanks to the seniors, but was woken up 330 in the morning for "THE FINAL JOURNEY"..
my Ong said that this was it.. a swimming/raft building/teamwork activity followed by a 20km run to see whether we were committed to the squad..
the raft pushing/ swimming part was a real struggle for me, as i was not a good swimmer, but in the end i prevailed, thanks to my teammates..
the run was long and tiring, but thanks to H-Two-Os and 100plus and kitkat along the way, together with singing our soccer version of "it's my life", tiktok, baby and nothing on you, the whole team managed to pull through, without anyone dropping out...
i was so impressed by the whole team..
when we came back, mr ong said he was very proud of us, and welcome us to the ACJC soccer team officially..
his words of welcome was well worth it for going through the entire camp.. it made me stronger in the inside, with a burning desire to go all out to make it to the team..
we played water polo after that, which was a first for me, and i enjoyed it.. and then, it was time to say goodbye ><
I would like to thank the whole squad for the experience we shared in the camp, which i would surely keep for the rest of my entire life, and also the J2s, especially Lionel and Trevor ( the "Devil" which made Buddha Claps famous ) for making us go through shit which actually made us come closer together as one team..

ACJC Soccer class of 2011... This time, we go ALL THE WAY!!!

Everybody Has Finished, Except me

i still have geog! majority of the students have finished their terms, except me... i have till friday!!
GEOG first.. in 2.5 hours time..
history in less then one more day.. and i havent touched SEA history yet..
dieeeeeee

What is your worth?

Am I really worth it?
Am I good enough?
Do I deserve this?
Should I be like that?
Anyone to enlighten me?
Im lost... Really lost...
Sometimes everything just seems to go wrong for you, and you would then find comfort in the one you trust in..
But what if...
That person is not there for you at the moment...
You suffer..
You scream..
You cry..

Terms : Day 2

I still have time to blog. That shows what state i am in now.. HOPELESS..
well im sat for 3 papers so far, GP and Maths on Day1 and Econs today..
well.. all of the papers were okok... it's not easy yet no difficult.. however all the papers are very subjective, so i'll not judge myself base on how do i think i will fare, i'll just expect the worse and hope for a surprise..
there's no paper for me tomorrow, so yeah.. i can spend some time blogging here..
History is killing me.. Together with Geog it's suicidal.. But me LIKEY.. haha.. dont know why.. beats memorizing bond pair or genomes and mRNA.. although i can memorise them but i dont see the point..
well my weekend is ruined i guess.. it was suppose to be a long weekend as monday will be youth day, which means no school..
but there's gonna be soccer camp in school from saturday till monday.. so yeah.. there goes my weekend..
will be spending it with a bunch of guys doing stuff which will make us sweat and feel exhausted ( sounds wrong, no?? ).. rather than spending time with Gwen ^^
i really dont know how im gonna survive this term.. i heard that training will be increased to 3 times a week.. monday wednesday friday.. with friendlies on saturday..
thats like 4 days a week.. and i still have ASEAN com.. everything... OMFG...

i think i better plan out my life now.. before retreating back to my own world of "studying".. peace ^^ byee

Terms Countdown: 2 days

i think im gonna screw terms..
the one-week-back-before-holidays-end-to-study plan didnt quiet turn out to be productive..
alot of distractions.. and i procrastinate too much..
ahh i just hope i survive.. God help me please ^^

well.. the distractions are mainly facebook and the worldcup.. schools should abolish exams to let us watch the world cup..
WTH its an event that takes place once every 4 years.. its a global event too.. so why wont school cancel terms for the sake of us being part of this event.. SCREW it.. lol

well.. i havent touched history.. but the rest.. i think i sort of went thru.. sure die one la.. but i dont wanna die so badly only.. hahaha..
all the best to me..

Momma said dont go out with strangers ^^

FIFA World Cup

the so-called biggest sporting event has arrived..
the world cup which is hosted every 4 years arrives at South Africa..
south africa is a beautiful country.. my parents went theremany years ago.. and only by looking at the pictures they took i felt that the place was magical..
football fever has taken over the whole world.. at least for 1 month..
the first match between mexico and host south africa was on friday.. i watched it with my relatives.. the football match was later told by many as being exciting, but i guess i didnt really watch it cause i was kinda drunk.. drank a lot and was blurry..
well im disappointed cause England could only managed a draw with USA.. all thanks to Robert Green's blunder..
other than that.. most of the matches were mundane and slow paced.. i think i enjoyed the South Korean match the most.. Park Ji Sung scored!!!
i cant believe it;s 4 more days till my sojourn in M'sia ends.. ><
OMFG my term exams are in 2 weeks time.. im dead.. seriously..
i think i must mug my ass off when im back in singapore.. not to score.. but to SURVIVE.. hahaha
well.. shall continue watching football.. Go Portugal.. Go Ronaldo.!

Guys Are Not Always Wrong

yeah this is something random i wanna bring up since im kinda bored..
well.. my good friend recently went through a break up.. he told us on that day itself and we got drunk together and slept over at my place that night..
who is not important.. but why and how is the thing im gonna comment about..
well.. long story short.. break ups usually happens because of misunderstandings..
jealousy is usually the suspect, but sometimes, people just grow far apart..
and guys are always viewed as the culprits.. even if it's the girl who called for the break-up.. the finger pointing always ends up with the boy because he was the root of everything..
well actually.. i think men show when they're jealous, but women are more jealous but they just keep it to themselves.. and through jealousy, it slowly transform a perfect relationship into a rocky one..
couples must believe in one another, and not be suspicious over small matters..
sacrifice is also very important.. and i think men sacrifice more.. im not being bias or anything, but i think men are susposed to sacrifice more.. we were made to protect women in everyway we can, at least that is what i think..
women are allowed to cry over someone's shoulder, but for men, it's a big no-no..
we men are suppose to show that we're macho and impervios to hurt and pain, both physically and mentally, however it's a wrong mindset..
men are sometimes fragile too.. i admit.. i had my times.. and it wasn't easy..
men are sensitive too ( to those who disagree, 2 middle fingers for you.. oo0oo oo0oo NA~!)
even the smallest thing might cause a slight tinge or singe in the heart, which might grow worse..
and i pity my friend.. the few of us close friends know his situation, and we blame neither the guy nor the girl..
however.. the girl's friends cant stop blabbering about him being wrong and so.. and making it public too..
well.. i guess problems like these are best left to the "victims" to figure out, although sharing it with close friends which would not tell the whole world ( especially the guy/girl who just broke up with their friend ) about how they feel and "shower" him/her with their thoughts..
so.. love is a crazy thing to get involved in..
it can make you feel like you're flying.. and make you smile even though everything is going wrong for you that day.. or make you get out of bed in the morning ( ^^ )..
however it can make u feel like your heart is shatterred into a million-ga-zillion pieces.. make you cry alone in your room.. or just make you feel like slamming your head against the wall..
however.. it is love that will eventually solve everything.. love is everything.. love makes the world go round..
and im glad im in love.. Thank You.


<3 GWEN

We meet again

met up with my besties at last on friday.. 6 days after coming back home..=.=
went for badminton.. had to rush there.. finished my driving test which i passed easily then went to setia alam for badminton..
i must admit.. badminton is a sport im neither good nor bad at..
i think it's in all malaysian's blood.. cause practically badminton is the 2nd best sport we're good at ( 1st is squash.. go Datuk Nicol David!!)
tasted mamak for the first time in months after badminton.. had loads of fun..
futsal on saturday took its toll on my body..
its aching all over now... maybe cause i still went to gym today..
well.. sis is coming back tomorrow.. im looking forward to it.. dont know why but... haha...

Hope is the last thing you lose in life.. when you're alive, there's always hope

Movies that melted my heart

well.. today went by kinda fast..
although i was extremely bored throughout the day.. but it magically passed by kinda fast..
much thanks to movies that i watched today on my laptop..
the first was Hachiko: A Dog Story..
i finished gyming and decided to watch a movie.. and this caught my eye in the list og hundereds of movies i have in my harddrive..
the movie was nice..VERY.. i freaking cried.. and to people who know me well.. I DONT FREAKING CRY OVER A MOVIE..
its just now me.. i always laugh at my mom and sister when they get all teary eyed over some movie or drama..
but now here i am.. tears dripping down.. that was how touching the movie was..
it shows us that dogs, or animals, have feelings too.. and they are extremely loyal..
the world would be a much better place if more people actually act like dogs/animal.. haha.. kinda ironic, no??!!
well i guess i was kinda sad too caused it reminded me of my dog which passed away 1.5 years ago..
he was 10 years old.. and i grew up with him.. he didnt do wonders like wait for me at the railway station like Hachi did in the movie.. but it actually waited for the whole family to come back from our holiday in Taiwan before passing away.. :(
may u rest in peace, dear NIKKI.

the next show was the Blind Side.. it was nice.. it was meaningful..
and its another true story ( Hachiko too! ).. well.. its about this boy who grew up homeless until somebody took care of him.. he was black.. but his foster parents were white.. and he became successful NFL player in the end..
i didnt cry though.. gotta keep my macho man look intact..
oh ya.. i went swimming today.. for the first time in a gazillion years..
i swam blind though.. forgot my goggles.. and i did some tanning too..
gotta tan myself.. the sun wasnt so strong today.. so i think i gotta do it a few more times..
gwen said im like an albino.. and i admit.. kinda ugly with tan lines all over.. haha..

and yeah.. driving lessons today were a waste of time.. i could drive perfectly well already ^^

<3 GWEN

Everyone is special

Well.. I think it's about time i posted something not really related or revolving about what happens around me..
today im here to talk about what i think about different people..
everyone has their own specialties..
be it in singing, dancing, or sports ( which i can do all but not sure about being really good at it )..
everyone is special in their own way..
it's also a way to showcase their talent.. and show their own style and personality..
i think it's very wrong to judge someone on what they do or practice..
being a guy who dance isn't gay or anything.. i was in dance in secondary school and im proud of it..
i learned a lot of things from dance.. and i certainly tasted glory being in it..
performing in front of international judges from all over the world, or in front of a sold out crowd in the Esplanade, or closing the ceremony for the AYG, i enjoyed every single second of it..
so what if people think it's gay for a guy to dance, i think these people are just shallow minded, causing dancing instills responsibilty and the trainings are just as tough..
a real man wouldn't be shy to stand up and show what they really like.. and i can say i like dance. and i think it's not gay at all..

I love singing too.. I know people dont think guys who sing are gay..
but i love it when they stare at me when i sing.. maybe cause they didnt expect someone like me could sing i guess, no??
i remember the day when i was not more than 5 years old..
i would sing hokkien songs on the karaoke machine for my grandmum.. i guess i liked singing from that day on..
i had vocal trainings for a few months... but that's about it..
i dont like vocal trainings i guess.. i just like singing..
i makes me feel good.. singing out my feelings and emotions..

And now.. My cca is soccer..
i know many people think that me changing from dance to soccer is kinda weird..
from performing arts to sports..
many think that guys changing to sports cca in JC is because they wanna get tough and buff..
but thats not the case for me.. i love soccer or football..
it makes me happy.. it makes me energetic when a ball is at my feet..
although i do admit im not the best at it.. but i really really like it..
i know i played basketball from primary till secondary.. and only really picked up soccer when i was 14 or so.. but.. i dont know why i still like soccer more..
maybe its because i watch football and the EPL.. maybe...
but soccer trainings in my school are the toughest... and i wouldn't go into detail about it.. training sessions are top secret! (we wanna win next year and we cant share it with our enemies! haha)
well.. althoug i do admit i wanna get fit.. but i changed my cca from dance to soccer because i really love soccer and would like to try something new..
i was at crossroads earlier in the year where i had to choose from soccer, dance and choir ( i could have joined. got through auditions )..
and im glad i chose to join soccer.. will try my best to make it to the team next year..

and yeah.. gwen's in Photog.. and boy... she's good..
i love being her model... and she edits them till i look even better...
haha.. not bad having a Photog girlfriend.. takes nice photos for u other than loving you.. heee ^^
here are a few shots from her of me.. and im quiet good myself too.. at least my camwhoring skills..
what to say ehh.. im a natural.. haha

OMFG i look good, no??!! ^^

Camwhoring number one.. ( horny look )

My best so far.. ^^

Well.. holidays are boring as usual.. kinda clockwork..

morning wake up.. breakfast.. gym.. come back.. online.. lunch.. online.. sleep maybe.. dinner.. tv... supper maybe.. online till late at night..

my friends have college.. they have exams soon.. FML.. haha...

gwen's coming down... i hope we can at least meet.. miss her ttm laa.. ^^

nights ^^ ( although i wont sleep so early )

Next plane home, literally ( copied from gwen's blog hahaha )

well.. im at terminal 1 now.. waiting to board the plane to go back to my home sweet home..
it's been more the 2 months since i went home.. and i can assure u.. i am homesick..
but i dont know why.. but i miss HER more..
i just hopes this 3 weeks goes by very fast...
i love u gwen...
and i miss u lots...
gotta go d.. boarding time..
yeappiiii ^^